and so it begins

To blog or not to blog. That has been the question. Since I have spent the last couple of days writing entries to a blog that I did not have, I figured why not. No one is probably going to read it, but at least I can feel like I’m connecting to someone outside of my house and over the age of 12 months. So, here goes.

Mommy legs? What I have been trying to find over the last 12 months {and something tells me I may never totally find}. And while I am interested in having new, wonderful, non-veiny {thanks, mom} real legs, I’m really in search for what it means for ME to be a mom. Just because I grew a baby in my body and it came out, doesn’t mean that I know what I’m doing or suddenly have a new 6th sense to pick up the deeper meaning of my baby’s every whimper. Can I get an amen?! Much like when I got married, I felt like the exact same person right after Squirm was born, but I could not deny that something profoundly great had just happened and that my life would never be the same.

Up until a couple of months ago, I had a part-time job that fit me well. Perfect? No, but I enjoyed responsibility outside the house. Due to financial cut backs, I was let go and I have been in a controlled tailspin every since. Tailspin because I feel like losing my mind sometimes with all the possibilities. Controlled because the Lord is in this.

In the quest to find out what’s next, here’s what I’m finding:
It’s okay not to know: This is a real challenge for me. I like control. There, I said it.
Don’t get bogged down: It’s too much to think about that I’m trying to pick a career I will do full time when we’re finished having children and they are in school….when is that going to be?! 7 or 8 years?!
Take it one step at a time: The Lord has been kind to me in the past by making each step clear. I believe that He is a God who wants us to know His plans. He isn’t vague and doesn’t see if we’re smart enough to figure it out. When the time is right, He will make it clear.
It’s okay not to know: Oh, did I mention this already?
Keep it simple: What do I like to do? Start there.

If I had my choice, every day would contain the following:
• Coffee with more Fat Free French Vanilla Creamer than coffee
• Good Morning, America
• Exercise {this is a real love/hate relationship}
• A real, meaningful conversation with a dear friend where I can offer some kind of insight into her life and she into mine
• Something super-productive like reworking our budget spreadsheet, opening Squirm’s 529 plan, or completing a photo project
• Something super-productive that doesn’t involve our house, family or son
• Good food
• Diet Coke + popcorn
• A shower
• 2 2-hour naps from the Squirm {he’s still taking 2 and I love that he does…for now}

Is this too much to ask?! Now, how to make this happen…….